I don’t have an intro for Moonfall. My husband said he remembered wanting to watch it thanks to some trailer we saw before a movie. I don’t remember seeing the trailer or wanting to watch it. I watched it anyway.

During a 2011 mission to repair a satellite in space, the spaceship with astronauts Jocinda Fowler (Halle Berry), Brian Harper (Patrick Wilson), and Alan Marcus (Frank Fiola) is attacked by a swarming black mass. Marcus dies and Harper is disgracefully dismissed from NASA when he refuses to be silenced. Since Fowler was knocked unconscious during the attack, she can’t back up Harper’s story and the two are estranged. Ten years later, the moon begins to fall out of orbit. Conspiracy theorist KC Houseman (John Bradley) tries to tell NASA that the moon is an artificial megastructure but no one will listen. Fowler, now the Deputy Director at NASA, is tasked with finding a way to fix the moon’s orbit before it destroys the Earth. She turns to Harper and Houseman to help her save the planet and all of their families.

Yeah, that description doesn’t really do the movie justice. It is more terrible than I could fit into a small(ish) paragraph. Normally, I don’t give spoilers in case someone wants to watch a movie I review. There are going to be spoilers this time around. I don’t know how I could talk about the movie without revealing all of the secrets.

Moonfall is based on the crazy theory that the moon is a structure created by aliens with a white dwarf at the center powering it. And, no, that isn’t the craziest thing about the movie. We have, in no particular order: astronauts would be able to move around when a spaceship is spinning uncontrollably, cell phones that work no matter what else is happening on Earth, gravity randomly getting so weak that things are literally sucked up to the moon when it’s close, thanks to the low gravity cars (and people!) can leap over wide ravines, and Colorado is apparently where everyone goes when the shit hits the fan. Oh, and that there is a white dwarf INSIDE THE MOON. That isn’t all of the insanity, just the stuff I could think of off the top of my head. Honestly, the whole movie is insane.

Needless to say, my husband laughed through most of the film. I spent more time going “What?” or “How the….” or throwing my hands at the screen nonsensically. I can’t, with good conscience, recommend that anyone watch Moonfall. However, if you really and truly want to see how bad it is, make sure you go into the movie with less than zero expectations. Think of the lowest expectations you have ever had for a movie, then go about ten times lower. Then you might be ready to sit through this 2-hour festival of ridiculousness.